A new article I wrote is on Wise Bread today that has tips for enjoying fancy restaurants without breaking the bank. I felt compelled to write a spoof of my own article, so check out the real one and then here’s the not real one, just for kicks.
5 Tricks to Enjoying Fine Dining on the Cheap
Want to eat out like a baller? Who the hell doesn’t. If you dream of pulling up to the front door of the priciest joint in town in your ‘sclade, tossing your keys into the face of whoever is standing closest to you, and waltzing right in to a table they keep for you “just in case,” then join the club. We all want to be awesome, but until you sell that pitch for Myspace 2 or Buzzfeed finally notices your cat parkour videos, try out the following tips for cheaper fine dining with style.
1. Make a Reservation
Pick the restaurant you want to go to and call them up, posing as your own personal assistant. If you look sort of like someone famous, tell them you’re making a reservation for that person. If you are kind of skinny and look sort of like a woman, we recommend going as Lady Gaga. This will take some prep work in terms of costuming and make-up, but if you commit, no one will know it’s not Lady Gaga, since no one really knows what she looks like.
2. Invite Your Friends
If we know anything about rich and famous people, it’s that they have lots of friends. These friends should look like they’re rich but they don’t give a shit and just laugh at your jokes a lot. This will make your impersonation more realistic.
3. Order Wisely
Ask lots of questions about the menu– is it paleo? Probiotic? Raw? Vegan? Humane? Memorize a lot of health and food buzzwords and then vomit them all over the waiter’s face. Then have the chef make you whatever you want. Because that’s how the world works.
Hopefully your ruse has worked, but that doesn’t guarantee that your meal will be comp’ed. To be safe, have your “friends” casually steal things as the meal progresses. Someone wants a photo with Lady Gaga? Your friend swipes their wallet while they’re busy grinning with Not Lady Gaga.
5. Leave. Now.
If all goes according to plan, your meal will be free and you sign all the service staff’s ticket books as a thank you. If, instead, you spy the staff whispering about you in the corner, pull out your purse shaped like a spaceship, shove the rest of your dinner in it and run.